To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
