So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
