so let's talk penis.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
