i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
