I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
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Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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