I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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