My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
