Just fell off a train. Bad.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
