Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
