i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
