I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
