Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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