piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
