You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
