dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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