they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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