I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Let's get the cat blown out
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
