Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
