I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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