you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
