i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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