when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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