the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
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Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
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