Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
