I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
