I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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