ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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