are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
