We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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