They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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