so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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