Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
