I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
