im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
