I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
