after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
