guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
