I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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