I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
