Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
