I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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