You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
