dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
