the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
