is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
