I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i used baking grease as lip gloss
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
