You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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