I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
