Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
