I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
