i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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