I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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