Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
