Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
