i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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