oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
